Monthly Archives: September 2010

A New Me… Again


Here I am. Different, once again. And it really doesn’t feel bad. I love being different and reading the things I used to think during a specific phase of my life. It’s funny! And at the moment, I would just looooove to be in Sweden again. Because over there, I felt so good. I felt at home. Much more than I’m feeling at home now, here with my parents. I’m sorry for them. I know I should feel fine. My family is here, my friends are here.

AND YET, there is something here that makes me desire to be somewhere else. I’m leaving to Cologne in a few days. I haven’t packed my things yet. And I’m literally going TO LIVE in Cologne for some months. So, my biggest wish is going to come true.

AND YET, Germany is not the place where I belong. Or at least, not yet. Because I travelled so many times to Germany and I have never actually felt at home. I went to Southern Germany several times and for quite long periods too (well to me, it seemed to be ages!!) and I’ve never felt it was the right place to be. Of course, I loved being away from home (and now I understand why. Here, it’s not home). Yet, I never slept so good as I did somewhere else. And this place is called Sweden.

Sweden is a far away country, where everything is different from here. It’s peaceful, clean, green, crowded but solitary. You can find yourself. I mean, you can literally feel you are in this world and you feel in peace and harmony with everything. Because it’s green. Green is everywhere. Along the highways and in the cities. In front of your house and the place where you work. And McDonald’s is among trees too. (Yes, I must confess that McDonald’s reached Sweden too). And all this green make you feel as you can feel nowhere else. It calms you down and frees your mind. You can look up at the sky and see it’s huge, moonless and starless. It may sound terrible. Yet, believe me, it’s not that bad. I’m mad about the Moon. I love it. It’s a key point to me. When I see it, I feel better. Yet up in Sweden, I never saw the Moon. And I felt good anyway.

I’m sorry, I’m bothering you all with Sweden and… So what? Sweden is not bothering at all and it made me become the new me! 😀 The new me is less smart than it was before leaving, and airy. Then, I should be worried and hate this horrible country where everything is perfect but not me.

AND YET, I don’t hate it at all. Maybe, it’s just because I left not long ago. Maybe, it’s because … well I don’t exactly know why, but I would really like to be there again. I must go to Sweden again. It’s something I really need. My bones, my nerves, my muscles, my entire body and my soul need it. Seneca said it isn’t where you are that makes the difference. It’s what you feel and what you are. Your being in trouble and your feeling bad doesn’t depend on the place where you are. It’s just about you. Yet, sometimes there is something that can really make the difference and it’s not you. It’s not a human being. Something which is around you and can cure you. I can’t actually tell what it is, but I know there is. Otherwise, I could never feel the way I did being there, and do thinking of it.

AND NOW, I’m a new me. I’m a new Silvia. Someone I didn’t know. I’m not able to accept all this newness in me completely, because as I already said, I feel I’m a bit worse than I was before. Yet, I have to live with this new me at least until when I find a new new me. I know it’s complicated and it’s just about waiting, but since I’ve changed so many times in a very short time, I’m likely to think it’s not over. And I wait. I understood that it’s all about waiting. Good things come to those who wait. I think it’s true. I’ve done so many things I wanted to do and I’m positive about this topic. Of course, I’m not vaccinated against unhappiness. And you’re wrong if you think I am. I seem to have an answer for anything, but actually my life is much less under my control than you may think. Apparently, I’m able to analise other people’s problems but mine are always a bit more complicated to be solved by me. I’d really like to have the secret key to happiness, to peace, to love. But, I haven’t. I’m lucky. But I haven’t got that key. I’m sorry, maybe it seems I’m complaining about something specific. I’m not. I should never complain. I told you, I’m lucky. I’ve got a nice family and lovely friends. They worship me, they really do. And too much, I think. Apparently, I’m a genius and I’m a kind of I-don’t-exactly-know-what who came to Earth to save it. Maybe, they don’t actually think this but I feel like they do when I’m with them and talk to them..

ME, ME, always ME. I hate being always me!!! It’s not always about me on Earth! Please, let me understand this completely. I thought I did. But it’s not true. I’m thinking about me a bit too much. And I have to learn that it’s not always about me. That’s why I like Sweden too. Because you lose the perception of yourself. I know I said you find yourself again and you feel you actually are in this world. I may sound contradictory and I think I am. But all that green is healthy. Especially for your mind. Swedish greenness makes you keep in touch with nature. Nature is the main character in Sweden. Or at least, this is how it seemed to be to me. Swedish nature wins. You lose. And you’re happy just because you lose. Human beings always want to win against nature, but there in Sweden nature takes her revenge and beats human beings. But nature is a bit better than we usually think and comforts us. It embraces us and cherises us. It wins but it’s not over. You have a chance to feel good just observing all the green around you.

Really, you feel renewed when you are in Sweden. Maybe, because everything’s so different from here. I don’t actually know the reason why I’m so enthusiastic about Sweden and crazy about anything around it. I really hope this feeling will last long enough. At least, until when I feel good thinking differently. Then, I’ll be a new me again. And then, I’ll be ok with it. I’m aware everything is finite and I’m aware of all the things that have changed in the way I think, the way I live my life and the way I react to events. I hope I’ll accept the new situation when it comes. Because, you know, it’s so hard to bear yourself when you don’t like the way you are. I’m honest, I don’t completely like the way I am now but I think I like it more than I don’t. So, it’s still a bearable way of being. Do you want to know why? (Maybe, you don’t, but – I mean – this is my personal blog and I can decide what you want to know and what you don’t want to know. U_U I don’t know if this is English cynicism and sense of humour and sarcasm, but if it is I reached my goal [which is to make you smile]. If it’s not, I failed. In this case, I’m sorry and I tell you I didn’t mean to offend you in any way U_U). Because I still can control myself. Is it a lie? Maybe, my mother (if she just loved me a bit less than she does) would tell me it’s a lie. Because I’m not behaving the best way ever, especially with her. I feel I’m cynical and bitchy as I was long ago. And I don’t like it. Because I hadn’t been like this for a long time. I had become more patient, especially with my parents. Yet now, I got worse, and I can even hypothesise why. It’s just because I would like to be somewhere else. That’s it. It’s simple. And complicated at the same time. Because I can’t be somewhere else. Even if I’m going to be soon. And I’ve just been telling this my parents too often recently. And I can’t bear the solely idea of coming back again at the end of next Feb. And I can’t bear the solely idea of keeping on studying in Italy after these two terms. I want to emigrate. I don’t want to live here any longer. I need the world outside. And Sweden made me feel good. It made me sleep. It made me feel alive. Maybe not completely happy, but at the moment interior peace is a bit more important than happiness. And I’m sure Sweden CAN make me happy. It already did so much for me. It can do some more effort. I think Sweden cherishes me. And I cherishes it back.

PS: I love you Sweden